When I was pregnant for only 15 weeks.

There's a big reason why I haven't blog for the past few weeks..

I contemplated many times whether should I blog about this or not.Initially I wanted to blog about it because I wanted to share my experience and how I got through it with you my dear blog readers.

I know some of you have been reading my blog for years and probably realized that for the past few years I share less and less about my personal life and my feelings..which I used to do back when I was very young.

Because I decided a few years back,that I wanted this blog just to be about me sharing my reviews on beauty products,food places,movies and so forth.

But then again sometimes you just want to blog about something major that happened in your life..like the time I got engaged and married.As some of you may know,I've been married with Razin for more than a year.We got married on 1/1/2015.Such a beautiful day and date.

The beginning

At the end of December last year,my period was late and my period has always been on time every month.Razin went to buy the Clear Blue pregnancy test and it turned out positive.Afterwards we even went out again to buy another test kit that will show how many weeks exactly have I been pregnant.

And it stated there that I've been pregnant for 2-3 weeks(which is actually 5 weeks since conception).So at the end of Dec I found out that I've been pregnant for 5 weeks.

It was a bit of a surprise and I was taken aback at first but we were happy.It was a pregnancy that wasn't planned at all. Razin and I talked about it before..around 6-7 months into our marriage,when we decided that if it happens,it happens.

The very next day we went to Klinik Kesihatan to get myself checked up and to get that pink book.And obviously I started taking folic acid,drank the Anmum Materna milk,refrain from eating a lot of foods that a pregnant lady weren't suppose to eat,and etc.

I didn't tell a lot of people about my pregnancy..only close family and friends.My colleagues also found out as I was puking at the office from morning sickness.I had to tell my boss as my work involves quite a bit of travelling daily to see clients so I can't really do much of that anymore.

Things were going great other than my morning sickness and back pain..but during the 8-9 weeks,these weird brown discharge started to appear and I was panicking.After I got of from work,we went to see the doctor and this was 3 days before CNY.We went to see..two different doctors in two days.We went to Klinik Ajwa and the doctor there referred us to Hospital Umra,to see a specialist.

Basically,what they found out was that,the size of the baby doesn't match how long I have been pregnant.So there's two things..it's either they wrongly calculated my due date OR there's a possibility that the baby isn't growing which will eventually lead to a miscarriage.

But I wasn't given any medicine or anything by the hospital..they were..quite nonchalant about it to be honest.I guess they didn't see it as a big of a deal because I wasn't experiencing any pain nor was I bleeding profusely.They asked me to come back for a checkup in two weeks time.

Being that this is a first time for Razin and I,of course we have no idea of what we should do and how to go about it.We told our parents/close family a day after and got the advice that we needed.Both of my mama and my mother in law also shared with me how they've experienced 4 miscarriages between them and it's not something that I should be worried about if  and when it happens.

The middle

Right after CNY,it was on a Wednesday so we went to the new Hospital Shah Alam as we want a better explanation of the situation.They asked me to go to the Emergency Ward.

The specialist there finally gave us a clear picture of the situation,what to expect and what to do.

Of course I cried then and there because I felt that if a miscarriage were to happen,it's my fault.The doctor shed a tear as well and told me it's not my fault and that if the baby is not growing,it's because of chromosomal abnormalities. (click to read about it) 

It's something that's out of our hands if it were to happen.The doctor also explained to me..if a baby were to be born with the chromosomal abnormalities,the baby will have health problems and it will be stillborn(not born alive).

She even gave me 1 week MC so that I can rest and I had to take Duphaston as well,in the hopes that it will help the situation.I have to come back in 2 weeks time for my final checkup to see how to go about from there.

So for the 2 weeks,we just keep praying,try our best and leave everything else in the hands of Allah the almighty.

During the 2 weeks,my wonderful husband took care of me.He took care of everything.I'm lucky that he's a freelance creative designer so he's around when I need him.My husband prepared my food,did the laundry,he cleaned and he was always trying to keep me positive.

But to be honest,I was crying everytime I was on the praying mat because I was feeling all these emotions..sadness,worry,guilt and a lot more.

The doctor,my husband,our parents all told me to not feel like it's my fault.But because I was the one carrying the baby inside of me of course I felt like..it's sort of my fault.

But I was also a bit like..why does this happen?Because I'm relatively healthy..I've never been hospitalized,never had any disease or whatsoever.I've never smoke,I've never taken any drugs and never had even a sip of alcohol.

And it come to my realization that this is what we call in Islam,'qada and qadar".If something is meant for you,it will be yours.If something isn't meant for you,doesn't matter how hard you work for it and you give it your best,it won't be yours.

The ending

So after two weeks and I was pregnant for 15 weeks,we went back to the hospital on Wednesday,2nd March 2016.After they did the scan..they could see that the shape of the sac isn't pretty anymore and it isn't growing as well.So they have to schedule me for D&C surgery as mine is considered as a missed miscarriage.Because there's no bleeding,no passing of tissue or any abdominal pain.

D&C stands for dilation and curettage..this is the last option in a miscarriage as in most cases the baby will miscarry naturally.I've never been hospitalized or had any surgery done on me..so it's safe to say that I was a bit scared.You'd think that i'd be bawling my eyes out at the hospital but I've been crying almost everyday for 2 weeks that..I've come to accept it..or so I thought.

On 3rd of March,I went back to the hospital because the anaesthesiologist have to asses me for the surgery.There were quite a few forms to fill and guidelines for me to follow before I do my surgery on 4th of March.

But lo and behold,around midnight on 3rd of March,I was bleeding..a lot.My husband brought me to the emergency ward and I have never bled that much in my 29 years of living.They had to put needle on my wrist to give me painkillers as I was in so much pain.

They manage to remove the sac at about 4am with no surgery required.They had to inject me on my hip to shrink the uterus which was painful.Then I went home with my husband and my parents who were there with me.

It was a bit surreal.I was at the hospital for almost 5 hours and when I remembered it...it was so uncomfortable and painful.Imagine waiting for 3 hours while you're bleeding like mad(because there was a lot of people).

I've come to accept the fact that I lost our baby..sadness does creeps up from time to time but I'm just so thankful for everything.I'm so thankful for having such a great husband who takes care of me everyday,who cares so much about my well-being.My family and my in laws who have been so supportive.My close friends who gave me words of encouragement.And other people who I might have missed out here.

For the ladies out there who have experienced miscarriage before..know that you'll be okay and God has a better plan for us.May our babies wait for us in heaven.If you need to cry it out,cry it out.But try to always keep a positive mind and if you need a break from work,just do it.That's what I did.

I put a pause on my life and left my job at Malaysiakini because I needed time to think things through and I wanted a fresh start.Also because I know that I have to go through pantang(confinement) and with my somewhat fragile emotional state(2 weeks back),I know that I won't be able to focus much on my job.

I'm certainly doing better now..hence why I'm able to write about this and share my experience.I have a lot to be thankful for in life and sometimes it may not be a bed of roses..but I always believe that Allah won't test you beyond your capacity.As what is stated in Surah Al-Baqarah,verse 286(ayat 286).

Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."